How to be the Dad You Didn’t Have

Some dads inherit a toolkit. Others get an empty box.

If you grew up without much guidance, presence, or warmth from your old man, dadhood can feel like jumping into the deep end with bricks in your pockets. You want to do better: better than what? Silence? Anger? A handshake on your 18th birthday and not much else?

Here’s the good news: you’re not doomed to repeat the past. Simply by reading this, you’re already doing something your dad might never have done: paying attention.

"You don’t need a perfect model to be a good parent. You just need to be curious, reflective, and willing to do the work."

- Dr. Tim Sharp (aka Dr. Happy), positive psychology expert

You’re Not Doomed to Repeat the Past

History isn’t destiny. Maybe your dad was emotionally absent, explosive, or simply not there at all. It’s okay to acknowledge that. What matters more is what you’re choosing now.

• Choosing to hug your kid when you weren't hugged.

• Choosing to ask about their day when no one asked about yours.

• Choosing to show up.

That’s the first break in the cycle.

What You Wish You’d Had

Think back, not to dwell, just to gather intel. What did you crave as a kid? Encouragement? Affection? Someone to take your side? Use that as your blueprint. The dad you needed back then is the one you’re building now. Write it down if you need to. A list of what you missed, and how you’re showing up differently.

What You’re Already Doing Differently

Plenty of dads miss this: the work you’re doing often goes unnoticed because it’s quiet.

• You take a breath instead of yelling.

• You go to the parent-teacher meeting.

• You play the same four LEGO games in a row because it matters to them.

It doesn’t have to be loud to be meaningful.

Give Yourself Credit (and a Bit of Grace)

You weren’t given a roadmap. That means you're writing one as you go.

Mistakes? Of course.

Regret? Sometimes.

Give yourself credit. You’re not sleepwalking through dadhood. You’re trying. That effort is visible in ways your kids will carry into their own lives.

"Fathers are not an optional extra. They change who we are and how we live."

- Steve Biddulph, Psychologist and Author

Your Kids Are Lucky to Have This Version of You

Not the perfect dad. The intentional one. The kind who’s figured out that love isn’t loud, and effort doesn’t need applause.

You might not have had the best example growing up - but look at you now, breaking the cycle one awkward hug and unplanned heart-to-heart at a time.

Turns out, winging it with feeling might just be the best parenting style of all.

DADDING IN ACTION

Do one thing this week you wished your dad had done for you

Resources:

• Raising Boys: Why Boys Are Different – And How to Help Them Become Happy and Well-Balanced Men by Steve Biddulph

  Biddulph’s book covers the impact of fathering (or its absence), the importance of presence, and practical steps for fathers wanting to break cycles and be more engaged with their children

  
  
  
  

• The Dad Edge Podcast

  Episode: "How to Become a Patient Father in 37 Minutes"

  Host Larry Hagner discusses his own experience growing up without a positive father figure and shares tools for breaking negative cycles and becoming a more present, intentional dad.