Evolving, Not Perfecting: The Real Work of Growing Up as a Dad

Growth often shows up in the small, steady moments where you choose connection over perfection.

Some dads are still chasing straight A’s in parenting, like there’s a scorecard and a gold star at the end of the day. But let’s be honest - being a dad isn’t about getting it “right.” It’s about getting better. Slower than you’d like, messier than you expected, and often in the exact spot you said you’d never end up.

“The best predictor of a child’s well-being is a parent who is emotionally available, warm, and responsive - not a perfect parent, just a present one.”

Dr Justin Coulson, Parenting Psychologist

Most of the time, you won’t even notice the changes. Then one day, you realise you reacted with patience instead of fire, or stayed present when the old you would’ve checked out. That’s growth - not the kind you brag about, but the kind that matters.

Growing Pains: The Bits No One Warns You About

Change feels uncomfortable because it presses on the old habits we have carried for years. The short fuse. The habit of shutting down.

The instinct to say “I am fine” even when we are not. Dadhood drags all of this into the light, sometimes gently, sometimes with a thud.

Growth can look like taking a breath instead of reacting. It can mean apologising to your child and hating how exposed that feels. It can be noticing that you are scrolling your phone to escape, not unwind, and deciding to be present instead. None of it is glamorous. All of it is work.

Where Growth Quietly Shows Up

Growth rarely makes a grand announcement. It tends to appear in small, unimpressive moments that tell you something inside has shifted.

1. Patience You Did Not Used To Have

   Letting your child finish a messy story. Staying calm through a meltdown. Giving yourself a second to decide how to respond instead of letting instinct take over.

   
   

2. Honesty That Lands More Softly

   Saying “I got that wrong”. Showing your child that mistakes are part of life. Not running from the discomfort of being human in front of them.

   
   

3. Presence That Feels Intentional

   Turning the phone over. Closing the laptop. Offering undivided attention, even for five minutes. Not perfectly, not always, but more often and with clearer intention.

   
   

You Are Allowed To Be Proud Of The Work You Have Done

Dads are often told to improve, try harder or fix something. Rarely are they reminded to notice what they have already done differently. Growth does not erase the times you got it wrong. It just shows you are shifting, learning and becoming someone with more room for patience, self-awareness and compassion.

You do not need to turn it into a lesson or a speech. It can simply be a quiet acknowledgement that this year, you softened in places you used to harden, and that counts.

A Moment To Look Back, Not To Perfect

So as the year wraps, don’t do a performance review. No pie charts, no “areas for improvement.” Just take a beat. Sit in the car for an extra minute after school drop-off. Stare into the middle distance like a bloke in a Bunnings ad and think about one thing you handled better this year.

You’re not supposed to be perfect.

You’re meant to be evolving - and you are.

DADDING IN ACTION

Take two minutes to name one thing you handled better this year, let that be your win!

Resources:

1. 10 Things Every Parent Needs to Know by Dr. Justin Coulson

   Guides intentional parenting with connection, limits, and empathy over reactive perfection, empowering families through everyday learning.

   Details on Goodreads

2. Being a Great Dad for Dummies by Dr. Justin Coulson

   Actionable insights for fathers on skill-building, presence, and handling imperfections while growing alongside kids.

   Purchase on Bookhero​

   
   

3. Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families: "1018 - Parenting Myths Part 1"

   Debunks myths tying parental worth to kids' achievements, stressing self-care, relationships, and real growth over perfection.

   Watch on YouTube​