Your Mates Are Part of the Toolkit: Why Dads Need Their Friends as Much as Their Tools

Sometimes the best tool for your wellbeing isn’t in the shed,  it’s your mates, a cuppa, and a good laugh.

He’s got the tools, the gadgets, the perfectly sorted screwdrivers. He can fix the hinge, patch the wall, tune the mower. But when it comes to maintaining his own wellbeing, a lot of dads are missing one crucial piece of gear: their mates.

Yet connection isn’t a luxury. It’s a tool that keeps everything else running.

The Hidden Maintenance Problem

Most dads don’t notice when their social battery starts to drain. You might tell yourself you’re fine because you’re busy, productive, useful. But the truth is, when you stop connecting with other blokes, something subtle starts to fray.

" Men often build their lives around purpose and productivity. When that becomes all-consuming, connection gets lost, and that’s when things start to come undone.” 

Psychologist and men’s mental health researcher Dr Zac Seidler

It’s easy to dismiss loneliness as something that happens to other people, but research shows that many men in their 30s and 40s feel socially isolated. You can be surrounded by family and still feel like no one really sees you. That’s not a weakness. It’s part of how modern fatherhood has quietly restructured our social lives.

The mates you used to see every weekend now have their own families, their own chaos. Suddenly, there’s no space to talk about how things really are. The stuff that used to come out naturally over a beer or a game now gets swallowed up by bedtime routines and bills.

Connection is Not a Bonus Feature

You might think the solution to stress is another podcast, a cold plunge, or a 5am run. But here’s the thing: human connection beats all of that.

A chat with a mate who actually listens can lower your stress levels, steady your thinking, and even improve your sleep. The brain releases oxytocin when we connect meaningfully, and that chemical hit is a natural antidote to the cortisol surge that comes with daily stress.

It doesn’t need to be deep and meaningful every time. Sometimes it’s enough to sit side by side, talk rubbish, and laugh until you forget what you were worrying about. That’s not wasted time. That’s maintenance.

Why It Matters for Dads

Being a dad can be isolating in ways no one warns you about. You’re suddenly responsible for tiny humans who depend on you completely. You’re trying to be a steady partner, a reliable worker, a present father, all while your old identity shifts underneath you.

That’s why mates matter. They remind you of who you were before the chaos. They help you see yourself clearly again, not just as a provider or problem-solver, but as a human who also needs care and laughter and space.

Connection also keeps your mental health in check. When men stay socially engaged, rates of anxiety, depression, and burnout drop. When they disconnect, those numbers go up. The maths isn’t complicated, but acting on it takes intention.

How to Get the Tools Back in the Box

You don’t have to rebuild your social life from scratch. Start small.

If a mate pops into your head, message him. Don’t overthink it. If you’ve both been “meaning to catch up,” put a date in the calendar and stick to it. Even a quick coffee between school drop-offs counts.

Mateship doesn’t have to be organised or polished. It’s about being there, in the moments that matter, even if all you do is share a laugh about how little sleep you’ve had.

And if one of your mates has gone quiet, check in. Not with a heavy “Are you okay?” interrogation, but with a simple “How’ve you been, mate?” Those small, regular check-ins can keep a door open that might otherwise close.

DADDING IN ACTION

Pick one reset from the list and do it today, even if it’s just a 10-minute walk around the block.

Resources:

1. Identity and Story: Creating Self in Narrative edited by Dan P. McAdams, Ruthellen Josselson, Amia Lieblich

   Explores how the stories we tell shape our identities, focusing on narrative psychology and self-defining stories.

   https://www.apa.org/pubs/books/4316071

   
   

2. Family Narratives and the Development of an Autobiographical Self by Robyn Fivush

   This book demonstrates how family storytelling shapes personal identity and emotional connection across development.

   https://www.routledge.com/Family-Narratives-and-the-Development-of-an-Autobiographical-Self-Social-and-Cultural-Perspectives-on-Autobiographical-Memory/Fivush/p/book/9781138037243

   
   

3. Power, Intimacy, and the Life Story: Personological Inquiries into Identity by Dan P. McAdams

   Foundational work on narrative identity exploring personal stories from the core of who we are.

   https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/22814097-power-intimacy-and-the-life-story